Comment Wall

 

Hello! Welcome to my comment wall! Let me know what you think! 





South Asian Map; Web Source: WikiMedia


Comments

  1. Hi Sana,
    I think your introduction is great! I realized that you want to use the first-person perspective to tell the whole story which is excellent! The stories' content would be vivid and impressive during using this method. Also, you structured your storybooks blueprint in your introduction. After I browse that, I could get a brief idea about what would happen in the following stories.

    I think the stories happened in south Asia. However, I am not familiar with this region, from culture to humanity. There may have others just like me who also do not feel familiar with this place. So, if you could show more background information about your storybook, it would be better.

    Besides, I think there is one confusing point in your introduction. You mentioned, "I disappeared in society's eyes". I am not sure what are society's eyes, could you do some explanation about that when you write stories latter?

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  2. Hi, Sana!

    Your premise for your storybook is great. I think that telling known stories from a different perspective is always a really interesting way to go. A perspective from someone like a rejected sibling is even better! I enjoyed your choice to tell the story from a first person perspective as well. It makes the subject engaging and could offer some great artistic opportunities.

    I noticed that you mention the fact that our storyteller, the sister, was forgotten a lot. She says it multiple times. You probably only need to say it once to get the point across. Perhaps you could replace some of those instances with description about why the mother and "society" didn't want our storyteller. Perhaps you could tell us a bit about the world and culture surrounding our hero.

    I think you have a great start to an interesting story. Your premise is solid and the medium and method offers up some cool options. Just remember to immerse us into this world and have us feel for this character. Why should I care that she was forgotten? What's so cool about her?

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  3. Hi Sana! I really like your concept for the storybook! Having the introduction all be in first person like she's telling us the story is really interesting. She definitely seems jealous of her brother so
    I'm curious to see how that affects her relationship with him and their mother who so badly wanted a boy. Maybe it makes them really distant because she knows she will always be inferior in her mother's eyes. I'm also assuming that your stories are going to be in modern times? It's a little hard to tell. You could clarify that in your introduction. Your first story is pretty good. I definitely did not expect for the Rayan to get left behind like that. I'm surprised he was able to be alright for so long. If the other mother is so abusive why doesn't he leave the family? He's 18 now so it would probably be better for him.

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  4. Hi Sana, I think you are off to an awesome start with this storybook! The concept and direction you are taking for this project is very unique and I have not seen this before. The introduction being in first person and using a narrator is cool. Was Rajakanya in any of the originals of these stories or did you add her character? If you added her where did you get this idea? The first story is really great and I can not wait to continue reading what else you add to it. It may be an interesting twist to talk more about the second, spiteful mother and what happens to her in the future? Because you made Rayan kind in this story will he stay kind or decide to be more revengeful in the future? I can not wait to come back and see what twists and turns your storybook makes and how it turns out.

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  5. Hi Sana,

    To start off, I really like the cultural aspect of your storybook. I enjoy learning about things from other cultures that I might not have been exposed to before. I also like the point of view from which you are telling the story, it helps us get to know the main character a little bit more and how they're feeling. Maybe in the next story give us a little more insight into the character feelings rather than just the plot so that we understand family relations. I'm really curious to understand more about the mother in this story- it seems like she is very spiteful and has her own motives that will be interesting to uncover. More dialogue between the main character and the mother will for sure show that. I really liked the first story and i'll be sure to keep following it throughout the semester. Keep up the good work!

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  6. Hey Sana,

    I really like your story, "The Best B-Day Present," particularly because it includes aspects of cultural ideology that many people probably aren't familiar with. For one, I did not know that one historical reason for the practice of polygamy was repopulation in a post-war era! I'm also glad that you clarified where Punjab is! Thank you for including that information. I think your introduction sets up your stories very well, and I like that you told them from a first-person point-of-view; both of these aspects help make your stories engaging and easy to follow. However, I think that some wording is a little repetitive, like when you identify Raja as Rajakanya's younger brother several times in the introduction. Other than that, though, I think you did a great job! You've set your storybook up to be a really creative and interesting project, and I can't wait to read more! Good luck with everything, Sana!

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  7. Hi Sana,

    This week's critique is images! On your most recent story, I really liked how vivid the colors on your cover photo were. I didn't completely understand why that image was there, but it made sense after i read through the part with the marriage proposal. The only critique i have in terms of images is that they dont seem to match. The last story was the most inconsistent in terms of theme, as the other ones look more classic and original as opposed to modern.
    In terms of the storybook itself, I really like the direction it's going. I sense a little bit of feminist literature here and i like it alot, considering you took a book that was focused on a male and all his accomplishments. The beginning of your second story made me laugh a lot, the humor being thrown in helps bring in the reader a lot. Great job with this one!

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  8. Hi Shana,

    To start, I really like your website! It is very easy to navigate and read and is overall very successful. I think your introduction is very helpful for readers to understand the context of your project. Overall, I love your project and I love how the whole thing is in first person from the main character. I think the two stories you included are a little short, I think if you included extra details in each story it could help add length to your stories.

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  9. Hi Sana! First off, your introduction was extremely intriguing and a great opener to the story. I thought it laid out the foundation for your story excellently and really gave us a good look into the dynamic of the characters with each other and by themselves. This is something super important to me as a reader, as a faulty introduction can leave the reader wildly confused as they get deeper into the reading. So, great job there! Your two stories following your introduction were very entertaining and very well written. You did a great job of engaging the reader with a good amount of detail while also keeping it concise and to the point. This is something that can be very difficult when writing about something we're passionate about, so I enjoyed reading a very well edited story. From start to finish, the stories were great and I enjoyed visiting your site! Great job with the storybook!

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  10. Hi Sana!
    Your intro intrigued me and drew me into your storybook. I appreciate that in your author's notes you are explaining the changes you are making to your source material. The images you have picked for your banners are amazing and vibrant and really draw the eye. I also like how in the stories you are making sort of off hand comments about why things are happening. For instance in "The Most Annoying Kid" your narrator just mentions that semi-arranged marriages are common among couples in South Asia and explains chai! (Chai is so wonderful.) It does not take away from the story and a reader is not left wondering why something is happening. I look forward to reading more from you!
    -Eli

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  11. Hello,
    I enjoyed your tale adaption. First off, I love the design of your project website. I like the idea of having a sister who is forgotten telling the stories of her brother who will always be remembered. I'm confused, however. The beginning of your story gives me the impression it takes place long ago, but you have placed a car in the story, which is totally fine. However, this did take me out of the story. It would help the readers and your story if you were to mention the modern day time at the introduction or at the beginning. I really can't wait to see what you write, and I hope this helps.




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  12. Hello Sana, I loved reading your story, "The Most Annoying Kid." I think you did a great job. I also love your website and how visually appeasing it is. Your story kept me intrigued and interested the whole time. The title of your story made me laugh before I even read it. I think it is so crazy that semi-arranged marriages still happen. It was also fun for me to read a story from South Asia. I did not read any stories from that unit so it was fun for me to read something I have not read before. Great job! I loved your story.

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  13. Hey Sana, I am reading your project again for feedback this week! I liked how all of your stories flow together. I think this helps the reader really start to care about the characters you are talking about. I wish we could have some more characterization with the narrator though. We can see what she sees, but we do not really know how she feels. I was also curious about why the parents could not look at the second child. You explained it a little bit in your author's note, but I feel like I still needed a little more information to make it click. Also, why did the Rayan never come back? I think it would have been cool if maybe he was able to come back and see his sister once again. It might help round out the story and give it a nice conclusion where everyone reunites and has a little bit of a happily ever after.

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  14. Hello, Sana! I love the design and layout of your storybook. It’s intriguing and I love the cloud theme you have in your background. The introduction was short and simple, but it kept me interested. I thought telling the introduction and stories from a first person point of view was different because most stories I’ve read have not been from that perspective. I read all your stories and enjoyed them all. I thought they were going to be separate stories, but it was a connecting story, which was cool, too! I also liked how you introduced various components of the culture in the stories. Your paragraphs in the stories are organized and spaced out well. There is a good balance of dialogue and descriptive storytelling; also, I appreciate you putting paragraph breaks in between the dialogue - it looks better that way! The only suggestion I have is to add a paragraph break(s) in the author’s note so that it doesn’t feel as if there’s so much information. Maybe you could add a break between the summary of the story paragraph and then any other information/research/etc. you found. Overall, great job!

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  15. I really liked looking through your storybook! I like your simple layout/ design. I think you chose colors and a font that are really easy to read. Your website is also very easy to navigate. These two things make your site really accessible which is so appreciated! I really like the theme of your project and I think it allowed for some pretty great stories! I also really appreciate the images you chose for all of your project, I think you did great at encompassing the overall mood of your stories and they tie in very well to make your website like very professional. Great job! :)

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  16. Hey Sana,

    I've already left a comment here on your wall, but last time I only got to read your first story, so it was super fun to read more of your work this time around! In terms of how you organize your stories into paragraphs, I think you do a great job. The paragraphs are pretty similar in length, so I don't feel as though the story is flowing weirdly or anything like that. The way you organize your dialogue is good, too. I can always tell who the speaker is. I also like that you have a line in each story that's short and bold to highlight when the next part of your story takes place; it definitely helps the reader keep track of what's happening. All in all, I think the content and structure of your stories are great :) I hope you have a great Thanksgiving break, Sana!

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